I get this constant feeling of uncertainty. I know I’m not the only one. The self doubt, the pang of guilt over thinking what you shouldn’t. My indecision cripples me. I lapse consistently into a world that I don’t recognise but have gained such familiarity.
The suffering is long, and the search is just as frustrating. I search the depths of the virtual world for answers I know I will not find. How might I fix myself? A question that bares it head daily.
Above all questions; there is one that I can never define. Why me? Familiar to so many, so often. I have lived a life of destruction that can only explain this latter strain. I have left “normal” and entered estranged. But my actions differ no more than anyone’s – of course, that being my opinion.
This is me; Self destructive and lost. Failing to understand my piers, failing to be accepted. I have fallen to a social anxiety, crept into a dark place. Once was a world of clear sky’s and appreciation, my memory is hazy but this was no figment, I’m quite sure.
How dare I be unhappy. I am loved. I am looked at fondly. I have friends, many. I have a good job, I have a new job. I have a catalogue of talents. I have nothing to fear but myself. And I do, greatly.
I am haunted by the doubt and uncertainty of my partner. I feel love but I question these feelings, I question my glance. I despise noticing, noticing. Might leaving be my relief? Might staying being my savour? A day at a time approach is not one I respond to fondly. I have to know. I don’t want to leave, I know I don’t, but I’m blaming, resenting and smothering all at the same time. Pushing hard, straining our ties. For all frustrations, this is my main concern. My heart speaks so loudly that I cannot hear myself. I fear a loss that would inevitably be my own fault.
My mind scares me often. I love the relief of not thinking, but resent noticing. I know my mind is becoming clearer slowly, I can feel the change, I am suggesting a positive. All is certainly not lost. I will battle through; I cannot and will not lose. I search on, to find what’s wrong, to find the cause. Maybe it’s not my partner – I’d like to think it wasn’t. My support, my rock, is all I have to save me from myself.
I soldier on for now. Wondering through the bricks and mortar, city lights shining on, noticing me, noticing them.
